Grief Mandala

Grief Mandala, Mixed Media on wood panel. 30 x 30" c. Lea K. Tawd

When I took up the challenge of painting on circular substrates, I wasn't sure how the images would manifest within this new and unusual form.  A circle may seem so simple, but it plays very differently than a rectangle with the content it holds.

I was not surprised to find that my grief was ready to show itself directly in my work. We often think of grief as an emotion itself, but I have come to find that it is not.  Instead, it is a whole range of emotions.  It could possibly be all of the emotions, sometimes felt all at the same time and other times like a roller coaster throughout the day. 

When my husband died in 2021, it was complicated and preventable.  Our relationship had been deteriorating as he let his health slip away slowly and painfully and without allowing anyone to help him in any way.  I spent a long time after his death just working through my rage before I was finally able to feel compassion for him. Compassion was followed swiftly by deep and intense sadness and loss. 

While I was working through all of this, I was also supporting my daughter through the loss of her dad.  She had very different memories of him than I did, and I always wanted to honor her memory of him.  But we had different and often opposite needs so I was always working to support her and to take care of myself all at once.  I spent many mornings sobbing in my car after dropping her off, or feeling completely insane as I laughed and cried (at the same time) at a song that reminded me of him.

Of course, all of this is just the surface.  There is too much more of the story to share in a single blog post.  But I wanted to share a little bit of our story because it so deeply informed this painting.  The figure has four facial expressions; I could have painted a thousand more.  I wanted to share some of the diversity of emotion that comes with grief. 

At the center of the painting there is a seed of life-a symbol from sacred geometry- surrounded by a band containing the cycles of the moon.  On top of the seed of life is a rose shedding its petals.  These symbols together represent cycles of life and death, falling apart and resurrection, transformation that comes from loss, and rebirth into a new life.  The seed of life symbols are repeated in the galactic background behind the figures.

I have had a strong sense, almost from the moment of our loss, that this would be an intensely transformational process for me and that I would be another person on the other side of it.  I don't like the phrase "on the other side of it" because grief is a process, not an event, and it goes on forever.  I wish I could say that it had an end but it can pop back up at any time whether or not you expect it.  Even when it is not obvious, it colors my life in ways that I had not expected.

However, as time goes on, I do not feel quite as consumed by it.  If in this time period I was in a cocoon, I am just now pushing my way out of it. I have yet to see what my wings will look like unfurled.  This painting and others from this emerging series are helping me to process it all.